When we were young people just seemed to fall into relationships (and out of them too) but there was so much less pressure, so much less fear about having to make this relationship work.
I have a suspicion that it is getting harder to meet the right person. It may be simply the complexity of life in a big city, it may be getting older, but meeting the right person seems to be to be more difficult than ever.
Not a lightning bolt but a life choice. Too may romantic comedies mess with our expectations. Hollywood is obsessed with the process of finding the right person, but terrible at talking about what happens next. In reality starting point is very rarely a bolt from the blue. It is a question to answer for yourself. A question to carefully consider and make a definite choice on.
And that question is “do I want to be in a relationship?”
It may sound obvious, and would you be have read this far if the answer was no, but it is a most important question.
It is not a question of would it be nice to have someone around on dark winter evenings, or would I like to not feel lonely, or even do I want to have children one day. It is a question of whether I am willing to make a relationship work, am I willing to put in the hard work, to make sacrifices, to be willing to accommodate someone else in my life, or do I really like my own space too much, am I so set in my way of doing things that despite how I feel, a relationship is going to be too much like hard work.
Making this choice, aware of the costs as well as the benefits is the most important step you will take.
Open you eyes to what you already have. It is easy to feel like there are no options available to us. That there are no suitable people around. What relationships are you ignoring? It is a myth that there are an unlimited supply of available, suitable people just round the corner. Never rule it out, but likewise don't let the celluloid romanticism of our culture close your eyes to the familiar. It may be that the person you turn to for advice, the old friend who you know so well, the person who you have fun with, but never considered romantically might be the perfect person for you. People are remarkable, and when we allow them to they can surprise us by being far more than we ever expected.
Enjoy the journey. Dating has the potential to be either totally traumatic or great fun. And if you feel like you are marketing yourself it is rather more likely to be traumatic. Relationships are fundamentally friendships, and if we can’t be friends then we it is going to be tough to be any more than that. Going on a date really should not feel like test driving a new car, knowing we have to face a high pressure sales pitch when we return to the showroom. Go in to listen, and to care for the other person. Laugh with them, share in their lives and be willing to share your own. Don’t be afraid to jump in, to talk honestly and to be yourself. If these things are not there while you are dating they are unlikely to suddenly appear if things get more serious.
Talk about life, not relationships. Too many couples build their relationship solely on the subject of the relationship. Things become hard work very quickly when the whole thing is about whether this relationship is a goer or not. Of course it is important to have conversations about how the relationship is working, but really a relationship is about sharing life together. Your relationship is not the answer, it is the foundation upon which you will build your lives. So involve yoursleves in each others lives, do the things you would do anyway, or if that is not a good idea, do the things you would like to do if only you were a bit more organised. Have fun, find shared passions, meet new people together, experience life through each others eyes
Grow together as individuals. All too often, particularly when things start to get more difficult we tend to become very aware of how this person needs to change if this relationship is going to work. We see the rough edges that are going to need to be knocked off, and sometimes try to take it upon ourselves to do the knocking off.
But rather than seeing relationships as essentially two people conforming to each other so that they fit it is far more inspiring to see this as a process of two people growing up and outwards together. Give each other space, don’t be threatened by other friendships - rather encourage them. It is our circle of friends, and our community which nourish and enrich us as people. Encourage your partner to grow and you will grow together. Diminish them and you will be diminished together.
Giving is better than getting. It sounds cliched, but it is absolutely true. Relationships are ultimately about giving ourselves to another. It works both ways of course, but the starting point is that I choose to give rather than to expect to get. To give inspiration, laughter, encouragement, wisdom, these are some of the great privileges of life. And when we see these things take root and return to us we are doubly blessed.
Don’t be afraid of promises. Don’t say them lightly too. But just as children flourish in the context of unondictional love, so relationships flourish there too. Don’t just say “I love you”, but “I will love you” through thick and thin, through good times and bad. This does not mean that we should never say the difficult things, or never say when someones behaviour or habits are hurting us. In fact that breeds complacency. We need to help our partner to love us. A good example is our tendency to love in they way that we expect to be loved. So we might give gifts, or cook a romantic meal because that is the sort of expression of love that we most enjoy, whereas our partner might enjoy something quite different. Make sure you know what it is that makes your partner feel loved.
Build your own perfect partner
This final one sounds rather more like a mechano set than I would like, but it is serious.
The truth is that there is no perfect partner out there. You might get really lucky, and one day discover someone who seems to be absolutely right, and then again you might not. But down the road, maybe after weeks or months as you get to know them better you will find that there are aspect of them that you really don’t like so much. If they seem exciting and outgoing, you will find that they also can be quite selfish. If they seem steady and reliable, you may start to wish that they had a bit more spark. As people we are all both flawed and fickle. Often we do a good job of concealing our flaws. But in a real life relationship they will come to the surface.
And we are a little fickle. Our tastes change, we want something a bit different, we start to focus on the things that our partner is not rather than what they are.
Everyone who has had a long term relationship will recognise that the only constant is change, and that we need to change together. A willingness to work at the relationship, to talk, to give and to share lives together is the best way that I know to build the perfect partner, and in the process to become the perfect partner
